Number 77: Hostess Fruit Pie

27 Oct

I have not been to the gym in something like 2 1/2 months.  First it was the stress from leaving my job, then it was my European trip, now it’s the stress of the new dog…basically I’m an excuse-spitting couch potato.  Which is why I was positively dreading today.  What is today?  Oh, just the day that I gorge myself on not one, but five different Hostess fruit pies!

I’m sure you can understand why I was not happy to be eating these.  First off, they each have around 20 grams of fat, 10 of which are saturated.  They contain 38 grams of sugar and almost 500 calories apiece, and the list of ingredients boasts high fructose corn syrup, shortening, and a host of artificial colorings.  Yay…

Dan had purchased me a lone strawberry fruit pie from a gas station a few months ago, but I was too afraid to try it.  Then, when my Swapoween partner bought me 4 more fruit pies in varying flavors, I decided it was time to give ’em a go.

I started off Mr. Pitt-style (from “Seinfeld”), eating them with a knife and fork, but soon found myself just tearing into them with my hands and teeth.  I have no patience for silverware.

Here are my general observations about the fruit pies as a whole:
-pastry crust had about the same strength and texture as industrial cardboard
-crust dotted with sugar, and seemed to have a sugary glaze in areas
-fruit filling- which they claim is real- has the consistency of the gummy adhesives they use to stick free samples to magazine pages (my mom calls them “booger straps”)

And here are my observations of each flavor:
Strawberry: The insides of this one looked exactly like my toothpaste (yes, I use Close Up, the cheapest toothpaste in existence).  Flavor was incredibly artificial, but pretty much what I expected.

Apple: This one actually had chunks of apple.  Decent flavor, but with a cigarette aftertaste.  McDonald’s apple pies reign supreme.

Lemon: Pleasantly surprising!  It tasted just like the lemon bars my mom would make when I was a kid…I feel like I should apologize to my mom now…

Blackberry: This was was full of seeds, which half convinced me that they actually use some real fruit in these things.  Didn’t love it, though.

Cherry: Another one with real chunks of fruit inside.  Not bad, but definitely not good, either.

Do people actually buy these?  Like, for reasons other than scientific observation?  They say that cockroaches are the only things that will survive a nuclear disaster, but I think with all the preservatives these are filled with, they’ll make it, too.  I am ashamed to say that I actually enjoyed a couple bites of these things, but they just left me feeling sick and depressed.


5 Responses to “Number 77: Hostess Fruit Pie”

  1. Laura in Cancun October 28, 2011 at 11:47 am #

    HAHAHAHA never had these before, but I’m not a huge fan of food that comes in plastic bags. Glad the lemon one was good, though!

  2. Amy October 28, 2011 at 1:46 pm #

    Not bad, but definitely not good either. Ha!

  3. Allison @ PickyEatingRD October 30, 2011 at 7:53 pm #

    Hahah I don’t think I have ever thought to purchase one of those! Then again, I am not much of a fruit “pie” person either.

  4. IntenseGuy November 3, 2011 at 11:28 am #

    LMAO at “booger straps”!

    If people actually eat these things – they shouldn’t.


  5. Big Onion November 8, 2011 at 4:21 pm #

    Please, please, please tell me you had a Hubig’s pie while you were in New Orleans.

    If not, I’ll mail you some so you can get that awful Hostess taste out of your memory.

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